It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.
5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”