@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?

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@ginnyhogan_

“The worst they can say is no” okay but that like devastates me when it happens

@ingmarbirdman

*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@KattsDogma

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

@mela_shea

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: