Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Me, “I rest my case.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.