@lazerdoov

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

You Might Also Like

@delusionaliam

Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@Browtweaten

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

@AdderallMomma

Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@Parkerlawyer

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

@HenpeckedHal

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.