Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.