ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

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*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.


I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.


[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.


My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.


*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*


If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.


I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…


Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no


Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.


Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.