me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.