ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
Baked & sliced?
What if I don’t take meds?
What are the side effects of meds?
What if I stop taking the meds?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning