me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Note to self: always read the final line
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.