@iwearaonesie

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

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@TuSoonShakur

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

@Lowenaffchen

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

@cupcakelynda

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

@LuvPug

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@briancthayer

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

@catstronomical

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

@huntigula

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning