me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.