Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
それは草
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”