Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
When can I start eating bats again.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?