Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Sex so good you see dead people.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.