Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house