“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
me: clean your room
(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*
And now we wait.
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.