Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My wife gives the best headache.
All generalizations are stupid.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.