Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I think this should do it.