Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Become ungovernable.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I unironically love this joke.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.