Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.


Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.


Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!


Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*


“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.


Preemptively commenting “wow this really blew up” on all my tweets cause I’m an optimist


My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.