@asherperlman

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

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@kimtopher22

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

@DitzMcGeee

when i was a little girl, grocery carts were free range; you’d see them all over town, in ditches, ponds; free.

now, they’re locked in chain gangs, selling themselves for quarters. sad.

@chuuew

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Jandalize

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
“Thanks”
Step kids?
“Nope”
Adopted?
“No..”
..
“..”
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”