me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
FINE, I WON’T.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?