Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Comparing yourself to others