Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Try and stop me.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My whole life was a lie.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!