Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones
My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂