My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Anyone really
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”