me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Our lord and savoury.
Awesome parenting 😂
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.