me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
No, YOUR illiterate.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed