Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.