Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back