ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.