“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You Might Also Like
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.