Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You Might Also Like
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I forgot how to panic. Help
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.