@JosesLovesYou

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

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@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

@vangobot

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

@TheRolo

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.