@JosesLovesYou

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

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@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@LizHackett

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

@WickedRapunzel

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@david8hughes

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

@GirlRestrained

Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider

@wesjohnson8

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.