Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.