Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD