saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.