Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good