Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I don’t think I’ve identified with a generational meme so much in my whole life.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.