Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
#DesignFail
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*