Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.