*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’d use my best pan on you.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
TWEET CALL
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”