Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I went to an AA meeting, met a lot of batteries
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
“My next what?
*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.
Strangers have the best candy.