@MatticusFinch1

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

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@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

@david8hughes

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.