*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Sunday
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
do what now??
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
How times have changed.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk