@rebrafsim

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

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@YSylon

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

@Darlainky

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@3sunzzz

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

@desukidesu

the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus

@pimecorp

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

@hamishblake

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.