Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
#StillHurts
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.