Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
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If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
the three most popular activities in ancient greece:
3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.