Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Meow?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.