me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here