[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right