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@AimeeHelene1

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

@GrantTanaka

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries

@carbsley

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

@NOTVIKING

when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

@curlycomedy

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

@English_Channel

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice