Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”