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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Seems legit
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens