3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“Wow I feel pretty good”
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.