Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

You Might Also Like


3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard


*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot


surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here


*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”


*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*


I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”


I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.


Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.