@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

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@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

@TragicAllyHere

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

@TheHyyyype

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

@SardonicTart

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

@noogscorner

I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”

@markydoodoo

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

@Reverend_Scott

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.