@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

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@aka_fatman

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

@ArfMeasures

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@DragonflyJonez

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

@Try2StopME

She: You have a girlfriend?

He: No. I had one, though.

She: Where did she go?

He: She #Ransomware

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@girlziplocked

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.