[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
WHAT I ORDER: French toast
WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?