Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
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Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty