ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Guys, I found it.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups