@sofarrsogud

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

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@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

@timmartinwhy

WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

@JillianKarger

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

@ThisOneSayz

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?