ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!