Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.