@RedRegenerated

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

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@SeanEmeny

I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

@Scdavis24

Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

@jazz_inmypants

hey salt and vinegar chips people,

all chips have salt.

ur eating vinegar chips.

@_4kidscrazy

Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.

@amishschool

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@squirrel74wkgn

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?