Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

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I know what I’m getting for Christmas.

Fat. I’m getting fat.


Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired


*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house


[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit


me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana


If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.


My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.


Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.