I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
hey salt and vinegar chips people,
all chips have salt.
ur eating vinegar chips.
Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?