I know what I’m getting for Christmas.
Fat. I’m getting fat.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Hmm, not sure about this change
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.
You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.
My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.