To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story