@d_duhwit

Me: Cool car. I like the heated seats but they almost make it feel like I peed my pants. Lol
Her: It doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: I have peed my pants.

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@TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@Michael1979

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

@leifromloihi

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

@Bob_Janke

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

@BigJDubz

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

@MikeBigby

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

@pilau

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

@KKAlThani

Every morning when the alarm goes off, I wake up & say “it’s time to chase my dreams!” & then I press the snooze button & go back to sleep.