Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Kids, do not try this at home!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
im 7 sauces long
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.