ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out